Muse Amuse

I’m back to being my plain old loony self. Why I lost my self in the last few weeks is totally ridiculous! And I’ve realised shitt happens..of course it does. The deal is to not let it happen! But, atleast my phase of mourning I’ve found fun and I’l remember it for the stupid things that disappointed me! You don’t need love to live! It’s all in the mind. And more prominantly in the movies.

Humans are such fragile creatures, with subtle emotions. You never when you are hurt or a how a tiny joke can hurt the other… I’ve not needed confirmations about myself from anyone then how did I let myself go in the last few weeks?! I had for the first time in my life needed company and my close friends to talk to! Love smitten and findin commiseration in soulful music wrecked me worse. I stopped talking to myself like I used to, because the feeling going through was different and nice. Bliss and sadness as a combination are something worth an experience! I knew I was sad but I was liking it!

The weirdest thing is when we’ve been living almost half our life just being happy wit things around us, how can one person make such a major difference that makes us so disheartened? Isn’t love just psychological? A state of mind. . Love doesn’t exist. Why is companionship from this one person craved when company graves all around? This phase of self retrospection has been eye opening. Why we’re smitten by some is still a question, but that it happens is probably an affirmation. What difference does it make if the love is not reciprocated? Life went on and will still go on! Nothin changes that…and hence should make no difference…

So, with another me-to-me talk, Things have been sorted out and life goes on….Fun…sad..hilarious…boring…disappointing….funny..but most importantly …amusing!

I would probably have been leading a “since I don’t have you” by Guns N Roses life,right now, If I hadn’t any more sense to myself! Why stupid little things get to me and also silly little things make me happy agitates me. I reason out with myself my emotions of course. My “other” blog helps me vent out these. Some day, when they won’t be as embarassing to me as now, I’l put ‘em up to the public. But, now, they’re a little too fragile to deal with. Of course I want feed back more on that blog than this but that will have to wait. I have no issues if one does stumble upon it accidentally!

Almost 50 hours or more of the lack of sleep…The sudden excessive blogging….Zero studying with the end semester exams on..and a gala of movies! We’re just done watching one, haven’t bothered trying to understand the material for the paper due in a couple of hours, and still don’t care. I’ve been putting off my try-and-jog-everyday resolution from the day the end sems did begin and have a good mind to catch up with it the minute this post’s done.

Considering the fact that I’d always taken out my frustrations on court, be it any sport then, my physical exercise routine has reached a sorrowful ground level. So, here, it’s the occasional jogging that gives me a kick or the ever long unending walks (best with the right company )!. And I thought I was the laziest around back home, Refusing to walk even a km from home! And, here I’d prefer walking to everywhere or if necessary just the bus! My thought of walking to and fro from coll is due soon. Should give it a shot in the coming month what with the nice chill setting in…

I love winters. The thought of cuddling up in thick blankets with the fan set on maximum hot coffee and a good read. Innumerous walks are definitely on the list in the weeks to come. Campuses make a good atmosphere to do so too! The JNU and IIT are superb places. But I’d like to do it in hours where I’m invisible! Early evenings maybe. Not a time where I’d be precisely invisible but atleast I won’t have the light blaring on my face! The chill now has just set in and the weather’s pleasant. Shudder when I remember the aweful heat just a month ago, with not a single window in the F&*^in room! But the starry terrrace helped us …but now they’re out of bounds due to troubles being faced by the warden with assumptions of girls suttaing around. Breaking rules and gettin away with ‘em somehow adds the little spice to the otherwise borin daydroning!

My escapade to the other blog, I find ridiculous myself, but if it’s working and helping me, then what the heck! Negligible flaws might turn me off and I need to work towards tolerance to the hence! My crushes i’m thwarting around trying to diminsh them, ‘cuz that’s what I’ve been doing all my life! No, not because I fear anything, but, simply baucause I’ve learnt to expect nothing from anything. Love is not always reciprocated and also cannot be forced upon. So, maybe this is love….but, I will let go…..

See….there I go again!! My last few posts and this..probably no one would understand besides me. And I should stop doing this! Blogging is serious business to me now. But, If one does read between the lines….all is said

Cheers to me….as loony as ever…making no sense as usual!
Blame the sleep!

All I’ve been doing lately has been blogging. It has become an obsession now. And now with the new lappy to walk around with each blog now becomes a ‘novel’ insight into a person’s thoughts and perceptions. Whether it has to do with getting all their agitatons out or great declarations of love or plain thoughtful poems…people seem to do it all in blogville.

I wait for the urge to elaborate on a train of thought, and then begin. The fact that I can’t write for nuts is secondary, but writing I like, and,so, hence with the hope that someday, maybe, my blogs will be good enough for me to come back and see myself of how moronic I was during this phase that I am in.

And, of course, poetry everyone seems to be doing. And damn right meaningful stuff they can be too! Life seems beautiful through all the blogs around. It has become a global thing now! But, maybe I’d still stick to reading Indian bloggers than Firangs’, ‘cuz things are much more beautiful here, home. It reminds me of how much I despise channels portraying India withtrash everywhere, and the trailer of a documentary too, would only have the rush-hour Kolkata jams. We’ve got more to us.

It’s been a while, and, I’ve been doing my share of cribbing and complaining too. I seem to be wondering what I’m doing in a field I’m least interested in, and, am very sure, will not end up with a career in. Fashion. Eeyuck! For the simple reason, I can’t understand what is with people and 1)craving for the “in” clothes. 2) celebrity obsession. 3)overly health obsessed freaks.

Clothes are a necessity yes, but, there’s no way I’m gonna waste my life designing pieces of trash for celebrities, who lead a useless life anyway! And, here, the place where I study, there is NOTHING intellectual at all that I find. Why didn’t I realise I did find in myself a passion for Law! Damn. NIFT sucks! It is absolutely over-hyped to the meagre few who do recognise the institute. The only sensible decision I find to have taken in the whole process was to study in Delhi. This place has taught me more than NIFT. NIFT is jus a drag. To coll and back, but, Delhi is where the excitement lies. Most here have no clue of what is happening in the outside world, besides fashion! And, I hate it. Glamour and Fashion suck! And from me they receive no respect. Zilch. We should be paid for the amount of work we’re made to do. Besides the fact that we’re packed with work all day (I choose not to do it is a different issue altogether….) we’re just dumped with ‘redos’. NIFT comes across to everyone as a glamourous place and all. All trash! You’ll find more bimbos around even with your eyes closed. Someday, I’l be dedicatin my vent a separate post!

Celebrity obsession. They are just normal people leading an abnormal life. Poor ‘em!
(Ok, there are exceptions. More than few, to add!)

Life is an adventure and If you’re gonna save yourself from the risk of gettin sick in extreme environments (or just environments) at all, you’re missin out on something! There’s so much to see. So many places to go. And this one short life! Thankfully, (how, i wonder!) I’ve been sensible enough to be off medications for any ailment from the time I’ve been a kid. It’s a decision I’ve taken on my own (And I do say that proudly, ‘cuz for once I think I’ve made sense to myself!) as i plan to be resistant to everything and not keep poppin’ pills for every running nose or cough that I’d have!

Fear nothing but fear. And amuse yourself with everything! Currently, I’m amused with the alarm ringing in the hostel with everyone agitated. Ok. I’d probably be pissed too with something like that durin my sleep. But, since, I sleep hardly, nothing can wake me up then! Which probably shows. I caught the DTC today wanting to be on my own. Switched buses and conked off ’bout 5 minutes before where I was supposed to get-off! Yeah, I obviously ended up wakin up at nowhere, and had to keep myself waiting for a bus back!

I just re-read this post, and, I’ve realised that somehow all my posts seem to float. From here to there, with nothing but compulsive ambiguity in all. I can’t seem to sustain myself to one thing. Or maybe my train of thought is just faster and weirder when I settle down to do a post.

And, hence, the nebulous me drones…..

Yaay! Yaay! Popsickle (Yeah Nam…Laugh your ass off!) was here and I got completely nostalgic ’bout home! I want ma mum to wake me up and shout at me, whack me, assuming I’ve slept early and I still am late mornings hence! Ma bro to jump on me, dumbo wake up ass! I Want to smell the sexiest food …made at home obviously! Ma grandmum knitting away, ma cousins walkin in, my clean room..ma books stacked all over. The eternally damp balcony!! I can feel the Sunday morning at home! And I want to be there. Make small talk with the visitors, get agitated but still manage a cup of tea and some refreshments! Dodging my activities…talking, dancing, reading a book, chatting, the radio, loud music and all of these simultaneously!

Waah!!I want to be cleaning my room sparkling clean. Messing it up too! Pounce on ma brother and irritate him when he’s reading, leading to a fight a huge argument, with my mum trying to calm us both down. And, of course he comes back, Dumbo dumbo, with me not giving in, pissin him off, and then my turn to make up! Sneak out with him in the middle of the night to ma cousins place. Catch a bite of some tasty food on the way with us to carry our party on with a midnight feast! When Ma was around in the other home too it was so much more fun though. We were guaranteed the sexiest of dishes even in the middle of the night! She could concoct anything out of nothing!

Things are never gonna be the same with my dad being posted out again. The last 3 years was probably when we’ve actually lived together! Ma bro grew up as a single kid with my dad posted out. and by the time I came around my bro was out at university…Then, I hence grew up as a single kid again. My dad got posted in for a while but then he was out again! And finally for the last year or more with my bro being back, my dad back too, and with me finally being able to make sense of things and contribute to some meagre amount of sense around the house with finally all of us being together!! I love the way my dad leaves it to me to make decisions around the house! The eternal fights my bro and I would have over nothing at all( I probably would have jumped on him when he just came home!) Of course, he refuses to acknowledge the fact that we’re close to even being related! For, today, for the first time He actually called me up!! It’s fun! Typical guy! Dumps his sister around. It’s like a two life. One this..and the other where we’re talkin away into the wee hours of the night or for the way we’re similar in weird little things…like, why he and I eat our sabzi before the dal( I know it’s no big deal at all…but our grandmum has always been amused with the fact that we eat it this way…and then..of course..saying our dad’s traits..South India and crap! { oh yep..and why we do eat our dal later is ‘cuz we’re not sabzi fans..so hence leave it to enjoy the dal 2 later!}I know ..probably doesn’t make sense at all!!)

My dad’s like the coolest one around…ha! the advice he gave the people around here completely amused me! Well, it’s also what they need to know!! With most saying ..padhai pe dhyan do etc etc.. ma dad simply said..don’t even bother studyin…just understand the subject! Look out more at the world!! AHHH!!! Awesome! Why it amuses me..I dunno (like a million other things!) but I’ve taken to blogging a lot a lot lately and somehow I just felt like writin ’bout it ..so… I know I suck at it..But it’s k!

All I’m saying is I wanna be back home for a while..I love Delhi..no doubt ’bout that…But a tiny break…With all of us home..Ma dad moving…Ma bro’s higher studies..with me already out.. and my mum outta Hyd in a while too..I might not get back for all you know! And then it’ll be time for ma bro to get married..and a phase of life will completely be over!! Oh no!! Things are moving too fast.. I wanna slow down!! There are so many things I wanna do still! Of course..nothing to beat the fun at a family wedding..but there’s time! What’s the hurry? And home..somehow..is always gonna be hyd! Nothing can change that! I might go around the world, love every other place and also settle down elsewhere…but home HAS to be hyd!

Jai Janmabhoomi!!