I’m back home. And I thought I’d be happy to be here. Thought. Happy I am. But, I find my frustrations surmounting heights. And for no damn reason that I understand. I thought I’d be meetin up with everyone I’ve known in the last eighteen years before I’m finally gone for good. I will be coming back of course, but it just won’t be the same.
I can’t seem to stand anything around me, and I see myself irritated at silly petty issues. Maybe it’s the surpressed freedom. Friends I tag along with all day, I’m irritated with ‘em all. I also see the distinct difference in my perceptions of the city before I left for Delhi and after. I know too many people here. Just too many. And, I’m happier being invisible there. But, I’m surprised to see how absolutely completely I’ve settled down in a city I hardly knew less than six months ago….
I’ve always been a person who believes in not attaching myself to human connection. Reason unknown. Probably, to shield myself from hurt, or the mere ego factor. But, I’ve completely detached myself. Even my closest friends over the years don’t seem to be reason enough for me to shell my shield and share stuff. My association seems to be just with me. I meet new people. Keep in touch, and blah, blah. But, I’ve learnt to shadow my emotions completely. The little I did, has moved on to “more”. All, I keep doing is analysing myself, see if i’ve acted hastily here and there, or if my ego was an obstruction to work or conversations. And, I try and alter it. Self restrospection is all I keep doing. I need to get back. It’s another silly phase I know. But, it’s probably also because I haven’t been here. Delhi’s a place where I know everyone is still at a stage of judging me. I do it too. All of six months, and, we’re trying to decipher the people we’re associated with. Try and help out in anyway we can. But, I’m tired of being judged. Even, back home. Do I pay attention. Do I listen. Do I argue. Blah, blah, blah. I’ve had enough of it all.
But that shouldn’t be the reason for me to stop sharing things. My only outlet seems to be this little blog.
I seem to have become so much of a loner. I tend to get quiet once in a while. But the thoughts that I am alone, stress upon even more….
And already…… I just can’t wait to be back…
Current Pinworm: GOO GOO DOLLS – Iris
December 21st, 2006 at 4:38 pm
You just wrote down, what I have been trying to write for years, but never gathered enough courage to do so, reasons unknown.
But I do believe that the world is turning into a society of loners, each person keeps to him or her self, and doesnt actually share his or her innermost secrets, ever.
I, for one, am proud that I got the chance to help my friends out in their difficult moments, and got to know about them more than anyone else probably could imagine, but I have never really gotten to the point where I can tell anybody about myself, or what I am. I have a mask, which I am ready to wear 24 hours a day, and I am totally comfortable keeping it on. Probably if I remove it, I would lay myself down as ready meat to the vultures which surround me……
December 21st, 2006 at 6:57 pm
But its worth pondering how long can one be in his own world???
Ironically, this is like a trend picking up. We all in cities do have similar thots…wtever may come inbetween but our thots begin n end with “ME”
I feel, soon i’ll also be a loner kind of. Afterall So less time we carry for ourselves…
I can’t help maself, i dont wanna b a loner but than it seems that have no other option…. so ur thots dont amaze me but still had it been in ma control I wud never allow someone to restrict himself/herself in his/her own world.
ur thots are natural but i wish i cud change them
The way u wrote it is again…… Muaaaah!!!
December 23rd, 2006 at 3:24 pm
well put it.. different people have different social needs.
December 24th, 2006 at 5:14 pm
“My association seems to be just with me.”
Brilliantly put.
But if it helps, and if I may, I’d say, this too, shall pass.
December 25th, 2006 at 3:59 pm
Loved this post like anything! Enjoy the stay home, and yes, sheer up!
December 25th, 2006 at 8:54 pm
@ crux
You’ve probably put down a lot, that I haven’t gotten down myself!
@ rohit
It’s all a phase! I know it too..
Restriction in a way is good too you know. Makes you completely independent! and yeah, Thanks!
@ amimu
Damn right they do!
@ Rae
Yeah, another phase.
I should change it… “All the world’s a phase!”
@ Tapasya
Thanks, will! Yep, ALready better
December 30th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
the important thing is not to judge esp. urself…….. others can go fuck their brains….
the only ppl who have a right to judge u are those closest to u and they are also the only ppl in the world u wouldnt want to be judged by
January 10th, 2007 at 11:32 am
woah! Tuesdays With Morrie is coming straight to me after u r done! I beg ..I plead ..pls pls …thanks
May 11th, 2010 at 10:10 pm
kinda like K.Kelly from You’ve Got Mail— ” I am a lone reed ”
P.S. I know I can’t come up with original stuff like u. I just watch/read/listen and recall and regurgitate
May 26th, 2010 at 2:58 am
I am the embodiment of the 3 r’s of rote learning:
1. Register
2. Retrospect
3. Regurgitate