Archive for September, 2007

Beyond existence.

September 25, 2007 at 7:07 pm · Filed under Days Of Our Lives, Retarted Musings..., Sant Frustoo, Wander wonder

I’ve come to think, that, some of the most intelligent people are the emotionally troubled ones in the world. To whom, every tiny unsaid thing, would also make a difference. Not that I would know, but I’ve seen so many of my closest friends be so.

I almost got my therapy. But, while I knew, my therapy was around, and all I had to do was call for it, somehow I didn’t want it. It wasn’t mentioned about at all. Ironic, that when you’re almost getting things, you don’t want it anymore.

I’m a hypocrite. I always knew it, but didn’t want to believe it. It took me a lot of realisation to come here. I’ve become apprehensive about a lot of things lately. More so, people.

Am I always misunderstood? That what I want to say comes across weirdly? Even while it is a compliment? Complimenting a girl, asking if what she wore, was from people tree, she gave me the coldest stare ever. Things have never bothered me this way, it’s a phase, it shall pass. Why suddenly, though?

I always thought it was funny when people took offence when being called ‘South Indian’. Little did I know it does happen. It completely shook me, when spotting a Tamil calender, on the table of the security guard, trying to make chirpy conversation, I asked if he was Tamil, rephrasing it, asked if he knew Tamil. He ignored me for a while, but while I lurked, completely offended, said He always belonged to North India.IT came across blatantly. Insulted, that he maybe, looked remotely, that. While all Internationale happens, we refuse to still accept geographical differences among common frontiers?

Curiosity keeps me alive perhaps, in what I’m going through? Weird is everything around me, while I’ve shattered and frustrate myself beyond existence. Pessimism is my middle name, since recently.

Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!

P.S. : Someday, will I also be so old, that I won’t be able to walk at all. That there will be no one around. Even though I know it now, that, is when I WILL be alone right? I’m scared of everything, now. I don’t want to live long.

Suicidal. Right now, perhaps?

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Knock

September 23, 2007 at 8:42 pm · Filed under Days Of Our Lives, Vema Ventures

Three….. Two…. One…..

*Poof*

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Crash..

September 23, 2007 at 9:21 am · Filed under Days Of Our Lives, Hmmmmm...., Sant Frustoo, Vema Ventures

I despise myself. For everything I do. Or maybe, nothing. I get nothing right.
I’ve had too much havoc in the last two weeks. I’ve realised it takes minute seconds, to change a lot of things in life. Your complete perspective on an entire scenario.
There is nothing in this world, worth caring for, bothering about rather. In a span of an hour, I’ve changed my priorities in life. Priority No.1, isn’t so anymore.
I want a weekend to myself, maybe with just work, or with friends at the flat, chatting away.
I cannot take so much niceness, then again, all the ‘bitchyness’ as well. I want to remain mute for a long time.Not hear my voice. Maybe, the fear that I’l never be understood, or perhaps misunderstood.
How do you take four years of conviction, pursuing something you utterly despise. The horizon, seems miles away. I hate the state of mind I’ve been in a week.
I’ve turned cynical. Nothing convinces. Life’s a drone. Everyday goes on with nothing even minute accomplished.
I don’t want to do things, because somewhere I think it’s the way to be done.
The ’selfishness’ doesn’t fade away. The ego refuses to shed.
I bitch too much. Shut up, right now. Why should anyone make a difference? Is it that much concern bottled, that one wants to refuse to understand, or umm, maybe jealousy perhaps? Even more, perhaps strong dislike?

How easy it is to judge, be a reason of shatter.
Non-living things are blessed. They have nothing to pretend they are. The purpose is known. That of a doormat?

Where is all the learning meant to go? Where, the beauty? Emotion flows, to an abrupt end.

I wish I was a keyboard. I’d have read so many stories, even while backspace erased what would have been on the screen.

Maybe, if I was diseased I’d get some sympathy? Or I should plainly be non-existent? The power to be invisible! The apprehension. The constant fear of being judged, of being loved, of being hated. The thought process that revolves around it. Nothing hurts. Things only prick. Prick,.. pickinga hole in all of the emotional skin.

Did life ever feel so meaningless? Especially with so much clutter around.

To now and forever, Fuck all!

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Scatterbrained….

September 13, 2007 at 3:34 pm · Filed under Days Of Our Lives, Vema Ventures

I don’t know when I’ve experienced so eventful a day, last. Or the week for that matter. It’s day ahead I dread but I already seem to be have an amazing time. There is some amount of satisfaction to be had when finally work seems to be on its way. Even if it end up being a subject I near-hated till today morning. All day, one subject, but I enjoyed it. With chocolate breaks in between to cheer “us” up…and a conversation that went on, with it’s various interruptions..but much enojyed of course. Ended the day with a custom made chocolate maggi, thanks to Subhash, who willingly agreed to the experiment.

I’ve never done anything like it before. Hunting around and trying to decipher clues, I’ve had SUCH a gala time doing it all, thought I’m perhaps just about half done to it. The rain slushed it up all, but all’s good so far.

I had so much chocolate today! I also found it weirdly amusing when the juice guy in college called me and said that ‘he made awesome juice’ in an attempt to conversate in English. Perhaps my everyday agitation of the same juice made in million ways that I ended up shouting, but when he did manage to concoct the awesomest, all was forgotten.

The radio plays the most amazing music every morning, and thankful of belonging to a college which has blaring music systems all day in class, if not for anything else. It somehow gets the day going. And if not chatter, music is anyday a compensation for all things that cannot be had.

Photography is one of the many classes I enjoy, while a friend dropped in returning something of mine, with an added incentive. I couldn’t stop grinning the rest of the while. A toothbrush cap! Trust friends to come up with something absolutely unconventional. I was so so amused. *Grin grin*

I can’t seem to understand how I manage to end up meeting such amazing people. It seems undeserved. That I’ve had such amazing friends always over the years I’m speechless. How we’ve grown ..and how conversations have changed over the years. From fighting over erasers, to discussing things that will perhaps seem futile years ahead.

Things are so calm, things are so amazing…

And the cow that ruminates over foam from all the helmets in the parking lot…..

P.S: I just can’t stop grinning!!

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Spirited Blogging! Blah…

September 8, 2007 at 9:14 pm · Filed under Rant, Retarted Musings...

I never understood when my mum always said it. The fact that no matter, where we went or how good the food was, she’d still come home to be eating. We’d pull her leg then. But, now I completely identify with it. That self-made food, no matter how atrocious, can stil be very satisfying. Of course, half the hunger fades away cooking..

It’s been ages since I’ve felt at peace with myself this way. It’s not about how jobless I could be. Jobless is no longer a term I understand. I don’t know where my days seem to disappear, I have no clue what they disappear into, no faintest idea if four years later I will end up in a career that I pursue to study now.

I have an incomprehendible amount of work piling up by the minute, but I’m still at peace…maybe it’s because I’m online with no one at home, while I conjured a trashy (of course!) meal, in an attempt to feel at home.

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