I feel like I’m becoming a character out of a Jhumpa Lahiri novel. Caught between cities, ever confused about what I belong to.
There is only one thing I know I’m attached to. And, I think all girls eventually try to understand their moms. Or maybe, they just become them. The existence of such relationships leave me confused. Because what I believe in, I know they won’t even try and understand them, but then the things they’ve tried to teach me over the years, I’ve finally reasoned out not to agree with.
I think Hyderabad only leaves me depressed now. I have nothing to look forward to in this city. When I got onto the train, I held back. The minute we reached, I knew I never should have got on at all.
I want to go home, because my mom wants me home. But I don’t want to go home.
All this while I was okay with the course I’m doing. No more. And I don’t even know what interests me, or what might hold my interest long enough.
I’ve also lost all motives to do anything. I think that’s the worst that can happen. To lose drive to want to do anything! I want to look forward to something. Anything at all. Competitively. Not just do something because I have to be doing it. Even if it was want that drove me, it would seem good enough perhaps.
I hated the movie ‘Into the wild’. Last night my sickness only made me feel like that. And the more I thought of the movie the more the vomit would instigate. Eeyuck!
Right now I wait for four days to pass.
Disha said
It almost feels like I wrote the last few lines. All the best for your next trip. Hope you have fun.
Prasoon said
You want to look forward to something? Maybe meeting a few unknown strangers?
I hope sincerely that the 4days were really not so bad n I wish that ur mom soon enough understands you well. Oh btw, we can fight more about the movie – I loved it actually.
asuph said
It may seem patronizing, because “been then done that” tone always seems patronizing… but … yes, been there, done that. that disconnect with one’s old world, that paralysis that comes from lack of motivation, which comes from not knowing what one “really” would like to do, like so much that one would look forward to doing it all one’s life, or major part of it anyways.
> I want to look forward to something. Anything at all. Competitively. Not just do something because I have to be doing it…
I think there is a contradiction of sorts here. Doing something competitively is actually doing something because one “has to do it”, or else one won’t be competitive. My personal answer was found, when I dropped “competitively” from the equation. Competently, yes … passionately, yes … but when we start competing, even with ourselves, we sow the seeds for future debacle… in a repeating cycle. but then that’s my personal answer, that’s working right now (i think!). who has seen the future anyways.
you write well. i saw my blog in your blogroll, and was kind of surprised. thanks.
take care,
asuph
phoenix said
Well, it’s a phase that too shall pass, hopefully
Happy new year