A lot better?

I often wonder what my decisions are based on. Perhaps, thought prolonged over a period, but the time frame of actions are impulsive. Like sitting in class and messaging. I think I’m lost in my own chaos of things I want to d o, or try to do, or want to think I’d like to know.

Maybe I’ve been working. Or atleast trying to finish the tasks on hand, but essentially I’m not learning anything to develop my own sense of style. A style, before anyone else, I appreciate. Or weigh the consequences atleast, to analyse what would be aesthetically right, to atleast a qualitative mass of people. I’m looking for honest criticism to the works of my like.

I’ve always believed that the work given in college is more than futile but is still imperative to finish. I can’t afford to be flunking. Perhaps, the least I can do is to achieve reasonable grades which perhaps some college across the world is willing to accept. Giving up on a task at college to achieve something that would enlighten me more on what I actually want to do, is perhaps okay, moderately. To balance it out, is what is more important.

The last two years have not instilled in me, what I think I should have remotely wanted to even start understanding by now. I’m not in a phase where I’m cribbing or anything. But these have been my thoughts over the past year atleast. Maybe since we joined the department, and got rid of foundation- which was only the beginning of the phase of wondering what in the life I was doing, when this was not something I was ever, even remotely, interested in.

Now I’ve found areas, where I know I’d like to belong in this field, but then again, I don’t think I fit in, because of the quality of work. Shouldn’t I by now know what my strengths are, and perhaps polish them, while simultaneously, begin to either acknowledge or work on my weaknesses? Instead, I still find myself believing, that, if I gave a shot, I’d still be good at what I was trying to do. C’mon, things like that you get over right at school. But, maybe it is a sense of optimism that pushes me to achieve what I want to. But, it leaves me clueless about what I’m better at.

Talking to them, always, drives that inspriration. In the end of it all, it’s work that’s what I’m most passionate about. Work, as in, anything that is a learning process. Not to keep doing something uninterestedly, when there is actually no use of it in the end.

She. Has a passion, completely focussed. A single conversation, makes me want to rush back home and begin with something fruitful immediately. Just a display of her work, or attempting to discuss it with me, is more than enough, to make me realize, I’m quite wasting my time doing nothing.

She. She might be so scatterbrained, but what illustrates as her work, is mere perfection.

Today, it’s about them. Because it’s been a long time, since I hung out with them. And I appreciate all that I’ve learnt from them.

It’s time I begun. On what I’ve always wanted to set out to do.